sometimes, its just so hard to ignore.
so hard to forget.
so hard to let go.

i thought i did let go..
but it seems that my mind is holding on to those last few tiny bits and pieces that i can still find along the way..

you stick out like a sorethumb everywhere!
your smell,
your likes, dislikes.
news about u, tat eventhough i PRETENDED to be not bothered by it.
still,
i'm not an oscar winning actress.
i still see u sometimes in my dreams.
sometimes, we were holding hands, smiling at each other.
sometimes, i was just watching u.

punctual as a clock,
u visit everyday, even as i go jogging.
so many times i've ran with streaming tears.
everytime i pass by the opposite canal, i tot abt our secret rendezvous tat night. the one season finale of us. the final parting words u left me 'i'm gonna see u again, i swear'.
stings of a thousand honeyed explatives.
when those terrifyingly beautiful words still chime in my ears.
hauntingly bitter aftertastes.
i was no better than the world's greatest fool to believe that u'd do good ur words.
when i knew you had brought along with u the door tat u've left from.


wat am i doing all this for?
for whom am i doing all this for?
how many hundreds of pages of my diary was dedicated to u?
i lost count.

i want to look like that tortured angel just like u did.
i want to show you how pea-sized ur lifetime of sufferings are compared to mine.

i want you to crumble just like i did.
lose hope in everything.
feel so alone.
when u wake up, u realise there's no one there anymore.
how difficult it is to mould into the new sorry life.
how hard it was to hear ur name and even u being happy!
how i'd stiffen whenever u come online.
how i couldnt smile again.
how much stabbing pains straight through my heart when i finally decided it was time to delete all those pictures. the sweeter they are, the tougher it was to bear the pain.
how many buckets i sweared i've shed just for u.

but of coz it'll never happen.
for,
i loved you too much,
you love me too little too less.

i'm sinking every minute.hardly any air left in my screaming lungs. let me drown and die. i dont want to know whether u'll come and save me in the end. because the truth hurts too much for me to live.

you're going on an escapade. but how could u leave me burning in hell?